I’m such a fricking downer lately. Well, okay, sometimes there’s a glimmer of happiness and relief, yet most of the time I’m in a I-hate-the-world-and-the-world-hates-me state of mind and, obviously, I’m not too proud to admit it. We lost Allan, my dear father-in-law, in January and Grief just went ahead and moved in, took a very strong hold, hasn’t let go, and has affected pretty much every aspect of my life ever since: my relationships, my writing, my social life, and- of course- my running. Therefore, I can say (and have been saying and will continue to keep saying until it is no longer true) that 2015 has been The WORST Year Ever and I really, truly mean it.
I’m not writing this post for sympathy or for advice or as a passive aggressive attempt to reveal my true feelings (as I share my true feelings all the time, much to the delight/dismay of my friends and family) but as an attempt to understand this whole grieving process and how it has directly affected my motivation and how, exactly, I’m going to work to steer myself back towards a “normal” path.
I want to laugh out loud at that word “normal”. I’m not sure I believe in “normal” anymore, there’s just stasis- brief moments of contentment wherein you’re on the right path, with the right people, doing the right thing- while everything else is just noise. Grief- just noise. Learning (or re-learning, in my case) to amplify the moments of stasis while turning the volume down on the rest of life’s noise is incredibly difficult but, thanks to running, I’m able to dedicate my miles to Allan, to this process, and to my “normal” self- I know she’s still in there somewhere! Continue reading